When the people in the home you go to aren’t exactly the right audience for your variety of emotions and your friends also have their own set of emotions to deal with right at the height of your exploding feelings, blogging can be considered a woman’s jewel in terms of expressing her deepest love, faith, triumphs, doubts, fears, great shopping finds and fashion taste.

Writing a blog is actually like speaking in front of a large group of people while the curtains on stage has not been raised yet, and your standing right behind it where you really can’t see the crowd at the other side. Its like ranting and raving like mad, without really caring who hears you, and who would be interested. You would be surprised in finding out the different personas that your lines of thoughts attract. Through blogs, you might also discover the people who really take time to read through your golden masterpiece, only to say at the end that they so disagree with you. The beautiful thing about blogging is that, people can only comment on it, but since the idea is yours, they can’t really do anything about it.

Blogging is simply a joy worth experiencing while you’re waiting for your brother to get out of the bathroom on Saturday afternoons, or left home alone practically the entire weekend. Ü

-Handwritten blog by Charms-
*Boring Construction Module * 7/26/07 * 5:15 PM * Eugenio Lopez Center, Antipolo *
* With Joy Pangilinan as my sort of “Critique”, hehe * =P

For those who have noticed what I said in my shout out, I mentioned the word Bliss.

Bliss – by its very definition means complete happiness, extreme exhilaration, and spiritual joy; A word that may not be even possible to feel in this world that we live in. Its essence almost unknown to the human emotions – however, since the dictionary can give its meaning… then perhaps it’s a feasible feeling after all.

Right now, cheesy as it sounds, yes, I am in a blissful state of being. And no, I’m not on drugs of any sort – I might appear floating, yes I am, but don’t worry, my feet are still on the ground. Haha =) As to why I am in feeling what I am feeling, I am not saying. =P But I give thanks to the Lord who orchestrates everything and makes everything appear and feel right.

Contentment in everything at present, trusting the Lord for whatever lies in the future, treasuring yet not regretting anything from the past… Yes, contentment is within reach. =)

Another home alone Saturday….

It is actually during these times that random thoughts - deep and spiritual or superficial and earthly- run through my mind, while I enjoy the luxury of time and complete silence.

To start with, let me share with you this song that was a part of our WK and prayer time for the YA of our church with Pastor Bern around two weeks ago. Worship, Love, Commitment, Obedience, Praise and Honor – the Lord deserves to receive all of these from us with our whole hearts. But certainly we fall short… we were half hearted… and even worse, there are moments when we just didn’t feel like giving any of it. I am guilty of this for many times, though there are some people who see me as someone who is so angelic. Believe me, I am so not. My mom could attest to this. But I am thankful that I continue to thrive in faith because of God’s grace and compassion.

Every Friday, I attend the LGI Class of Pastor Mina. I have been evading the invitations to attend this class since last year. But this time around, I felt Him saying that it’s already my turn.  Last Friday was just our third session, but I was already at awe, because there were things that I thought that I’ve known forever, and understood at that, but when I learned about it again from this class, my perspective and understanding were broadened, that as if I was just hearing it for the very first time in my life. There were even truths that I really have learned only at this point in my life, and I praise God that He didn’t allow me to just continue living without me knowing about these things.

During our most recent class, Pastor Min has uttered a sentence that struck me so deep. She said: “Even at our worst, Jesus assures us of His love and salvation”. Even at my worst. I cannot imagine Jesus loving me when I am bitching around, when I am disobedient, when I dishonor my parents, when I entertain thoughts about myself and others that do not honor God, when I cannot tame my own tongue, when I’m too full of myself, when I am selfish, when I lack love, forgiveness and compassion. At that point, I cannot seem to fathom the kind of love that God through Jesus Christ has freely given us. My human understanding can only reach as high as  the “I love you because you love me”, “I love you because I want you to love me”, “I love you because I need or fear you”, and most especially the “You love, but what’s the catch” kind of love. Very conditional, very human.

My friend Daphne and I spoke about this over dinner, right after class. And we were both very amazed as we continued to discuss about it. I was reminded of the song that says: “Who am I that you are mindful of me… that you hear me when I call. Is it true that you are thinking of me? How you love me… Its amazing!”

I continue to pray though that I won’t have a complacent heart by knowing about all these things. I pray that I won’t use this truth as an excuse not to strive for the Lord – for obedience, for doing what is pleasing to His eyes, for loving Him more every day. I pray that He will enable me to offer Him a kind of love that is only meant to worship and serve Him. Human as we are, we are incapable of giving a perfect love. But thank God that He is just too compassionate, that no matter how imperfect our offerings are, He gladly accepts them and He even blesses us a thousand folds over. We need not fall under the “I deserve it” category. Trust that the Lord sees you worthy. He already sent His only Son for us, didn’t He? Then I rest my case.

My friend Kristine told me to listen to this song - not saying why. hehehe

And I actually find it very nice. Its not one the latest songs that we hear these days, but Its as if I’ve just heard it for the first time. hahaha at bakit kaya? Again, I’m not saying….. hehehe

Finally Found

Ooh ooh ooh
I can’t believe you’re here with me
And now it seems my world’s complete
And I never want this moment to end
I close my eyes and still I see
My dreams become reality
And now I now how it feels to be in love
I prayed so many nights that you would come my way
An angel from above to light my darkest day
I think it’s time for you to heed these lines
‘Cos there’s something I want to say

I finally found what I’ve been looking for
And now you know I’m going to love you more
Hold me tight ‘cos it’s always been you
(It’s always been you)
To think that you were always there (always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
Now it’s clear that it’s always been you

Sometimes you don’t expect that friends
Can become lovers in the end
Only god knows what the future will bring
So hold me close and don’t let go
‘Cos this is love, boy, don’t you know?
And we’re gonna be together for eternity
I prayed so many night that you would come my way
An angel from above to light my darkest day
A love so strong it’s can’t be wrong
It’s with you that I belong

I finally found what I’ve been looking for (finally found)
And now you know I’m going to love you more
Hold me tight ‘cos it’s always been you
(It’s always been you)
To think that you were always there (you were always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
Now it’s clear that it’s always been you (you)

(This time) this time
I’m gonna make it turns out right
I wanna be your everything and by your side
For the rest of my life
(This love) this love
Feels the way that love should be
Look in my eyes and realise there’s no disguise
‘Cos I’m in love with you

I finally found what I’ve been looking for
And now you know I’m going to love you more
Hold me tight ‘cos it’s always been you
To think that you were always there (you were always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
(Wipe away my tears)
Now it’s clear that it’s always been you
(It’s always been you)

I finally found what I’ve been looking for (I finally found)
And now you know I’m going to love you more
Hold (oh) me tight ‘cos it’s always been you
(It’s always been you)
To think that you were always there (don’t you know?)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears (oh, baby)
Now it’s clear that it’s always been you
(Always been you, yeah yeah)

I finally found what I’ve been looking for (I finally found it)
And now you know I’m going to love you more
(Yeah, I finally found it)
Hold me tight ‘cos it’s always been you
(It’s always been you, oh)
To think that you were always there (what I been looking for)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
(What I been looking for)
Now it’s clear that it’s always been you (always always)

Joy and I have a very funny yet interesting pact that we intend to stick to. I will sing in her wedding, and she will sing in mine. This is somewhat weird since none of us is a real singer - not unless if we consider karaoke singing an acceptable form of this art. =P But we are serious about this promise and we hope that her Junjun and my __________ <promise to fill in this in in the future. hahaha> won’t mind.

Out of my sheer boredom at home just a while ago, I called her up and told her: "Joy, alam ko na kakantahin ko sa kasal nyo ni Jun", and I let her listen to "For all of my life". Despite the fact that the song has a series of high notes, I’m determined to engage in a 4-year practice if I have to. =) Who wouldn’t want to hear such a romantic (romantic-cheesy hehe) song in her wedding? :

For all of my life

Come and lay here beside me
I’ll tell you how I feel
There’s a secret inside me
I’m ready to reveal

To have you close
Embrace your heart with my love over and over
These are things that I promise
My promise to you

[chorus]
For all of my life, you are the one
I will love you faithfully forever
All of my life, you are the one
I’ll give to you my greatest love
For all of my life

Let me lay down beside you
There’s something you should know
I pray that you decide to
Open your heart and let me show

Enchanted worlds of fairy tales
A wonderland of love
These are things that I promise
My promise to you

*Chorus*

All of my life
All of my heart
These are things that I promise =) *sighhhhhhhhhh*

Then of course the other half of the deal is on Joy. I told her that I want her to sing my newest all time favorite by MYMP - Rush. Its an ordinary secular song, yet it talks about finding "the one" (=P) by faith. =) The song is not so hard to learn and Joy actually has….hmmmm…. I’m guessing a minimum of 3-5 years to practice. hehe

Rush

I look up and say my prayer
At times I feel there’s no one there
Though I asked for a shoulder
That I could lean on
What’s deep in my heart
He knows what I’m longing for

Refrain:
And then that’s when I met you
Faith could have brought me to you
I know you’re my answered prayer
‘cause I see in you

Chorus:
Eyes that could see through me
Warmth that takes away my plea
Where my heart is felt as it changes speed
I know when it’s time we allow love to take its seat

I taunt when there’s no one to talk to
I’m lost for words and darkness makes me blue
And I ask for a shoulder
That I could lean on
What’s deep in my heart
He knows what I’m longin’ for

*Refrain*Chorus*Refrain*

Chorus:
Eyes that could see through me
Warmth that takes away my plea
Where my heart is felt as it changes speed
I know that it’s time we allow love to take its seat (repeat 2x)

When one of those days come (be it her wedding or mine), I’ll probably have that funny feeling that some years ago, we were just kidding about it. =)

I am currently experiencing a state of being called HOME ALONE. For the past two weeks I have been living somewhat independently. With my mom having a vacation at our ancestral home in Bauang, La Union and my dad and bro working on night shifts, I was in an absolute state of being with no one, unless if I consider our dog Miko, a companion.

The last two weeks of total silence at home gave me an opportunity to evaluate the series of events that has happened, and are now continuously happening in my life. And I came up with a definite conclusion: I am being forced/inspired/told to (I’m not sure which word to use) by the Lord to grow in all aspects of my life. He’s telling to move on, to let go, to be happy with the present, be excited for the future, and cherish but not hold on to the past.

He has been talking to me through different experiences, people, and even places that He lets me see and live through first hand. How do I know?

*To start off the year : Unexpected car accidents. Yes, accidents. Plural. And with just

a week interval. The repercussions of these incidents are not as simple as having to apologize to the other party. The effect was actually life changing since I had to deal with trauma, raging emotions, wasted money and holding responsibility to people I barely knew and will not even know they exist if it wasn’t for the unfortunate events. At that moment I couldn’t even understand why the accident has to happen. But now looking at it some months after, I saw what God was trying to show me. I knew more about responsibility and forgiveness. Responsibility by way of doing what was right even if it wasn’t easy and even it wasn’t your fault, and forgiveness through accepting that though you rant at the speed of 1000 words per minute, the fact that you knew better will just make you accept the consequences instead of blaming it to the true offender.

*Shaking out of my comfort zone: For the past 3 years, I was with the same Bible Study care group, being lovingly and spiritually nourished by our dear Pastor Bern. For the past years, we were doing ok. We were enjoying our weekly Thursday Bible Studies, we were in full obedience of God’s will through the prayers and prophesy that we receive, and we even enjoyed some night outs to watch a movie and play bowling. We were so well blended I just didn’t want to leave the group. But this year was the Lord’s appointed time for us to go out and share what we already know: Jesus Christ is Lord and that Salvation will only be through Him. There were also some major changes in the lives of each one that makes it more apt for us to go separate ways. Admittedly, it wasn’t that easy for me. The Lord made sure that special assignments were given to each one of us. As for me, I together with my sisters in the Lord Mau, Ins, and Feymar, received a special task of putting structure to the already existing groups of YA in the church. And like what my former care group used to do in the face of pressure, I too will encourage the group to stop in the middle of everything to pray and worship especially when things are no longer falling into place. After all, the ministry is not purely about work. Its mainly about worship.

* Experiencing Miracles. I can give you two strong evidences of Miracles. Some skeptics believe that Miracles are just products of creative minds. Miracles happen when we wholeheartedly believe in the impossible when the world tells us that what we are hoping for is actually hopeless and indeed ridiculous. A few noticeable miracles happened to me for the past months. Let me share with you some of these:

1) My mom was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer last October 2006. The very word CANCER, even if you know little about its very nature, will definitely make your feel horror stricken with the mere sound of the word. More so when your doctor tells you that you’ve contracted this illness, or maybe to the almost same extent when your mother tells you that she is sick, and its cancer. Your world can collapse in a matter of split second. I know, because it happened to me. I thought of the worst possible things that can happen during those times. But I had to take over my mom’s role while she was sick, and that was to stay strong for everyone in the family. Apparently, she’s the strongest amongst us, but I had to substitute for her while she recuperated. But by faith and prayers, look at my mom now. She even transformed into a fashionista after she dealt with cancer. She just had her check up last month and the doctor noted that there are no traces of cancer anywhere in her body. She has gone from Stage two to zero. Amazing? Very! And that’s Jesus’ ealing power for you.

2) What are the chances of me getting a 10-year multiple entry visa? Not a chance if you ask me. My aunt’s travel agent thought so too. Upon seeing my application form and reviewing my chances of getting one, based on my current status (25 years old, just turned 14 months in my present company, no super substantial amount of savings in my bank account, no properties (my car didn’t count), no business, no present relationship, no children), he said that I have absolutely no reason to come back and even have the potential to actually penetrate the business/corporate working world in the US. He was close to saying – hija, just forget about it. You’ll get denied anyway. Out of my strong want to see Ate kats and annoyance for actually wasting my time consulting that travel agent, I pushed through with my application. I prayed for it everyday, every chance I get, each time I’m at the kneelers, I claimed it, and I even bugged some people to pray for it with me as well. I knew in my heart that the Lord would listen to our prayers. April 20, 2007, my prayer was answered! I was so surprised, I was like afloat for the next couple of days. Was I lucky? No. I had faith. Luck is giving your hoped outcome to chance by crossing your fingers and wait without certainty. Faith is knowing and believing sincerely that the Lord is likewise faithful and will hear the prayers of your heart. He even gave me a bonus Canadian visa just 3 weeks after I got my US visa. Needless to say, the Lord allowed me to see my Ate Kats once again, and even showed me other portions of his magnificent creation we call planet Earth.

*Forced to confront the ghost of the past: Three months ago, I was really forced to come face to face with certain people that I was trying to avoid for the past year or so. How did it happen? Simple. A different mobile number was used, I picked up the call, and the rest was history. But the good thing about it was, I finally confirmed that I’m so through with the ghost of the past. And I’m really ok even after the call.

*Different family bonding: Since the beginning of the year, my whole family started to plan for a big birthday celebration for my dear grandma’s birthday. Events management is something not new to me. I have been living with it ever since I was christened Program Manager in TA. So this supposedly big event should not be any different from the rest that I’ve already handled. But it turned out to be the best one that I’ve experienced ever. Aside from the fact that something this big (aside from weddings) will be held for the first time in our family, it was likewise an opportunity for me to experience many firsts. Like I discovered that all of my cousins are good dancers, since all these years I knew that Ate Kats was the only dancer in our clan. I was wrong. Nette, Tricia, JR (our all around dancer-from Cha cha to bop it) Nessa, and even Jabby and Pao were all something there on stage. They looked good pouring their hearts out in their performance. And my 6-year old cousin Tricia wasn’t just a dancer; she too had a nice singing voice. That at last I finally heard Vince’s voice! Yes, he could speak. That my Uncle Jojo, Uncle Randy and Dad made a very good trio emcee. That Tita Jen was a bouncy dancer. That my Auntie Noris can also snap at me at the rarest times (=P) and that she had the biggest heart of all, And most importantly, that even marred relationships can be patched up in the name of love and family, yes I’m talking about Gina and Joyce. Many realizations and discoveries made me appreciate the family whom I belong to. That’s why I am called to minister to them. I have yet to summon all my guts to actually take that one step. I have to start now because I love them very much.

*Facing the consequences of my mistakes. Sometimes it happens that you let out steam all in the wrong places. There is a right way of bursting. Apparently I went the other way and actually hurt people along the way. The damage was done, all I have to do now is actually face the consequences of my actions.

*That unusual floating feeling: I can not talk about it, I can even deny it when people who knows me so well ask me about it. But what’s the use? They will know that I’m not telling the truth anyway. There are times that I even want to deny it to myself, but it is so plain obvious that I see certain people in a different (different-special) way. I am perhaps too uncertain and scared that I might have imagined things happening, words said, gestures done. All I do now is constantly remind myself to hold off until something clear has been mentioned. But right now, I just leave it all to fate to make things fall into place. For now I just enjoy every talk, every text, every laughter, every nice feeling that I get form the experience. If this will get somewhere, It will, even if all I do is practice patience.

These are just a few highlights and I have just crossed half of the year. I know that the Lord has more plans for my whole year. I have been feeling that something really great and unusual will happen. Something that I might not even expect. But for the meantime, I am being told to grow…. Embrace what I have now, be excited about tomorrow (less the anticipation) and actually let the past be past.

Could be hard to do, but its worth a try. After all, aren’t we all pilgrims? The journey goes on and waits for no one. Move with it by faith and with quick reflexes.

Last weekend was pretty fun and interesting. I was with two of my very good friends, with whom I share a common passion for— photos! Taking photos, striking a pose for photos, wacky photos,  colored, monochrome, sepia,…. name it - we definitely have a knack for it!

But last saturday had a different twist to our common addiction. Yes, cameras were in no doubt present that entire weekend, but it was actually what we did that made it a little different, weird even.

SATURDAY evening-

Joy was in our house with one goal in mind: to learn how to cook, with me as her sort of instructor of course. The amazing thing about friends is that they trust you so much, it does not matter if all they’re going to learn from you is, in Joy’s case, fry eggs. hehe But I guess Joy really took the lessons to heart. After exerting a joined effort to clean up a disaster called putting a bag of fresh shrimps on top of my mom’s antique wooden dinner table creating a huge ugly water mark on it, we were finally able to start with our cooking essons. What was really facinating about Joy was that she really did everything herself. She cut up the veggies, cleaned and de-shelled the shrimps, decided whether the pasta sauce that she was cooking lacked salt or something else, and even garnished the pasta dish on a pretty plate. As in it was all her! All I did was bark at what should be done next. Haay… Is the transformation really drastic if you have started to maintain a mindset focusing on the fact that you’ll be getting married soon? hehe… She was so enthusiastic about this cooking thing that we ended up eating really good gourmet pasta dishes for dinner at around 11PM. =) And yes, we took photos of her masterpieces, and of course, with the Iron Chef herself. =)

SUNDAY morning till evening

Our pretty friend Aileen was supposed to join us that night. But unfortunately, she had to rest from the day’s work. The following day, fully energized, she and I drove to Tagaytay. Chika chika was really just second priority in our itinerary. Si aileen pa… of course she had her trusty digicam with her. So we ended up driving to Taal Vista after we had lunch (which by the way was her treat. thanks ail!) and taking like almost a hundred photos of her face, my face, our faces…. and oh, of course the taal lake was in the background. =) It turns out that she had a natural flair for photography, and I was the lucky recepient of the pretty photos of me that she took.

But here’s the weird thing, on our way back to Laguna, my car was suddenly filled with fruits, flowering potted plants, and native blinds —all of which were brought home by my dear sis who happens to have "domesticated" stricken blood running through her veins, though she denies it. =) I could almost imagine her some years from now, a hot mom of 2 kids or something. hehe…

It was all fun, interesting, and exciting!! Though I pity the cameras that will be brought to our Palawan trip. It might be too overworked on the first day alone!