Forgive me for I am about to write a drama piece.

My cousin who is getting married in the states left this morning with her fiance. I was totally feeling lonely for it was the last time that I am ever going to be with her. The sadder part of the story is that I will not be able to be at her wedding. So I took a fairly large task of making her AVP really special. It was shown during her despedida party which made almost everyone emotional, especially my cousin herself, her closest friends, her mom and sister, and of course me, an adopted sister of hers. I made the video to make her feel how special and loved she is. I poured my very heart and energy into the making of that 30-minute video. I am happy that I did that for her.

Last night, I was watching her pack her stuff into her suitcases and balikbayan boxes. I wasn’t able to stand that sight without crying. It dawned on me the level of my closeness and attachment to her. Afterall, I spent all my life seeing her at least every sunday during family get-togethers; spend all summers, christmases, sem breaks, and all other vacations at their house; visit provinces together with my aunt and other ate whom I also love; go shopping (at least she actually buys stuff while I follow her around and tell her if whatever she is buying looks good on her or not); be her assistant and official taste tester when she’s baking goodies; share my deep dark true colors with her and she loves me still anyway; listen to her cute j*j* stories; withstand her every attempt to bite me on the arm… I could literally go on and on.

She made me feel what having a biological sister felt like because we were like the real thing.

I am missing her now as I rant through this blog.

I know that family gatherings will never be the same; out of town trips will not be as fun; and the things that I used to do with her won’t be the same again.

The scenario in the airport this morning is probably one of the saddest moments of my life.

I’m happy…too happy as a matter of fact, and it somehow scares me. So this is how it feels to have your life all figured out; to actually have something exciting to look forward to; and to have a solid plan that I actually like.

Its funny how complacent I have become right after I finished my degree. Perhaps I was too serious when I was younger, and finally got tired of "figuring things out" and "planning for my life".

Now I was kicked back to life… just watch me! =P

Tere and I had a long talk yesterday at Greenbelt. I had to share my realizations after I have spoken to a new friend. By 11:00 PM, her mind was rattled. She told me the she suddenly felt the strong urge to plan and to do something at that very moment - precisely what I felt. Good thing for me, I came up with a plan to change the course of my life. I just suddenly have to strive and make someone of myself.

Seeing old faces can really have a nostalgic effect on me. But this one had a different impact. It sort of challenged me.

Hi Tere, I know you understand what I’m talking about. Can we not share anymore? =)

There is something about long vacations that turn on one’s contemplative mode. In the midst of the party that is going on inside you, a thought of what comes after this long weekend pops into mind. The "what comes after" is not just about the things that are waiting for you after the vacation is over, but its something entirely futuristic. Thoughts like "what will I become the year after"? "How my career will turn out after 5 years"? "Will I be successful, so to speak"?

In the midst of your relaxation, your mind would begin sending signals that would bring pressure for you to act and plan. Its beginning to scare me. Tomorrow seems so far away…but if you’re really going to think about it, its already there and its coming for you. So I’ve thought about that, what’s next?

I cannot be caught unaware. Its too risky.

I’m not sure with the rest of the people that are of the same age, but I sure can feel the pressure.